HUMOR: "Homeland Insecurity"
Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers:
◘ From
an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f--ing
bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting,
identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f--ing bored, not
f--ing stupid!"
◘ Tower:
"Delta 351, you have traffic at 10
o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital
watches!"
◘ Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45
Degrees." TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much
noise can we make up here?" Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes
when it hits a 727?"
◘ O'Hare
Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock,
three miles, Eastbound." United
329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this -- I've got the little Fokker
in sight."
◘ Tower:
"Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency
124.7"
Eastern
702:"Tower,
Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some
kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower:
"Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact
Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for
takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
◘ While
taxiing at London
's GatwickAirport
, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft.Lauderdale
made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female
ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you
going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on
Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference
between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now
shouting hysterically: "God! Now
you've screwed everything up! It 'll take forever to sort this out! You stay
right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi
instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell
you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes,
ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell
terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to
chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.
Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just
then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
Do you have a quip or antecdote that guarantees a smile? Send to candace@nvisionoptics.com and we'll post in our next newsletter.
Answers to Night Vision Trivia:
1. RCA
2. The television
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